006 — More enshittification

Trees, films and yes: still, the pub.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre…

W. B. Yeats, The Second Coming

I thought about enshittification again last night.

We watched the new Napoleon movie. Actually, technically: we watched half. It was so bad we decided to stagger the experience over two nights rather than subject ourselves mercilessly to the whole awful two and a half hours in one sitting.

Because Napoleon is AWFUL. Not the man, the movie. The man maybe too, who knows, I wasn’t there.

But the movie? I was there. Convince me that ChatGPT didn’t write most of this script. Go on, I dare you.

This is what happens when Apple decides it needs a movie (ooh, let’s do a Napoleon biopic! Great idea, Chad!) and the script is an afterthought.

I’ve never seen such an expensively-produced pile of dog shit.

This is how the dialogue goes in Napoleon:

“Obvious thing.”

“Oh!” Look alarmed. “Obvious thing?”

Nod sagely. “Repeat obvious thing.”

“Oh no. Sarcastic and inappropriately modern turn of phrase.”

“Indeed. Also: other obvious thing.”

No one — repeat, no one — talks like this. Not now, not in France in 1795, not ever. Humans, I find, usually have at least a modicum of humour and nuance.

I’m sorry, David Scarpa, screenwriter of such other luminous hits as … The Last Castle? Gladiator 2? You are a walking case study of misplaced White Male Confidence. Please find another profession. You are not a writer. Certainly: you are not a writer of dialogue.

The only good bits in the movie?